How to Politely Tell Someone to Improve Their Listening Skills

Are you wondering how you can tell a friend to improve their listening? Well, this post helps you do that politely.

Introduction

Sometimes, the people around us can be self-absorbed and make us feel invisible.

This leaves us feeling unheard, and in the worst case scenario, things become one-sided.

It can be tricky to tell someone to shut up. Obviously, this comes out as mean and would make them feel bad.

In my previous post, I taught you how you can become a better friend through active listening.

In this post, I will assess the other side of the coin. You might be the listener and it has become draining because there is an imbalance in the energy.

When your friend, course mate, or colleague at work keeps on talking and doesn’t give you room to express yourself, it can be frustrating.

I mean, ugh!

It takes all the energy and psyche out of you.

I was in a similar situation, severally (shocker).

But I have to say I had allowed them to take over my time.

I tried to think of all the tricks I would use to avoid them. This didn’t help long-term and I had to rethink everything.

That was when I developed three insanely good tips. Since then, I have been in control of my energy, time, and space.

I will share them and I hope they help you too!

1. Start positive and use ‘I’ statements

Well, I remember I used every trick in the book to avoid these situations.

But, I always ended up where I started.

I would tell them, Oh, I’m busy right now… I have a headache… and so on. This didn’t work.

That was when I made it a point to come up with ways that would solve this for good.

I found that starting off positive helped them pay attention to me bringing the issue up.

Begin with, “You know Z, I love how we spend time together and have fun, but I feel unheard most times. I have respect for you and would really love to enhance our conversations and relationship.”

This will start the conversation. You can also tailor this to the context of your situation. It does not have to be rigid.

What I found to work the best with this approach was that it opened them to the conversation.

Honestly, this is a tip I still use but I do not have as many situations to deal with like I had in the past.

Furthermore, this makes you empathize with the response they will give.

You know no one likes to be told or commanded on what they should do.

So, this approach eases up things.

Imagine someone telling you what you should do! You’d think, no way.

Please don’t use a tone that implies ‘you NEED to improve your listening skills.’

This would make them feel like you’re speaking to them like a toddler. Come to think of it, it’s demeaning.

You don’t want to make them feel bad because you are trying to create solutions.

2. Focus on the behavior, get creative

Since their behavior is affecting you, focus on it. Not their personality.

Ensure that it is not an attack on who they are.

The tip I always use and recommend is coming up with a hypothetical situation.

You can create a story where you tell them the exact situation, but with different characters.

Hear me out, you can say, “I have this friend who came to me for advice…” Start it off like this.

“The have this friend who always hogs the conversation and keeps talking. They don’t let their friend express themselves or even listen to them.”

“What would you advice they do in this situation?”

This is such a genius approach. It allows them to be part of the solution.

Now, I wouldn’t leave it off here.

After they give you their perspective, respectfully tell them that you are the friend and they are the other person.

It’s important you let them know how you feel, but don’t make them the villain.

Now, the awkward part is how you do that.

Relationships and friendships are diverse. So this depends on how you know them.

In my experience, I have found being sincere helps.

Saying something like, “Wow, that’s such great advice. I am sorry for using this approach, but I wanted to get your point of view…”

This helps them become self-aware of the behavior.

It is usually helpful but please don’t force anything down their throat.

When I’m using this tip, the person is more open to the conversation.

No one wants to be told they are bad.

You can apply this tip, too, in a situation where someone keeps talking and you want to tell them to shut up, politely, of course.

3. Offer constructive solutions

Now that you have already told them everything, it’s time for constructive solutions.

Just letting them know does nothing in the long run. You need to come up with constructive feedback.

Also, be a listener in this situation.

It would be ironic for you to tell them to improve their listening/shut up while you don’t practice the same.

This sets a good example. It shows them how important listening is.

Ty not to judge them.

Let them know that you are open to talking about how you can improve as a unit.

It can be an uncomfortable process but it helps lay down a strong foundation.

Now, to the solutions.

There are many strategies that you can offer them.

For instance, you can suggest active listening where they can be actively present in your conversations.

Focusing on the potential growth can ultimately enhance the quality of your interactions.

This is not a criticism of their behavior because it would reinforce it. That’s why we are solution-oriented.

Additionally, you can offer them a strategy like paraphrasing or asking open-ended questions.

It would help them actively participate in the conversation because they are now self-aware.

It will no longer be about them pushing their agenda but getting equal value from the interaction.

So, this will benefit the both of you.

You will no longer have the urge to tell them to shut the f up, lol.

Conclusion

So to recap what we have learned,

• Start positive and use ‘I’ statements.
• Focus on the behavior, not their personality.
• Offer constructive solutions.

But remember, check their mood to see if they are in a position to learn and take feedback.

It would be a waste of time and energy to tell them when they are uninterested or seem defensive.

However, prioritize your well-being first. If you try these tips or others and they seem to fail, please reassess your friendship or relationship.

I wouldn’t want you to be stuck in a mentally draining situation.

With that said, all the best! Till next time, xx