Surprising: Why We Feel The Need To Seek Validation

Seeking validation is part of being human.

You don’t have to feel bad about it. BUT, when it becomes a habit, there’s a problem.

This post explains the reasons why we feel the need to seek validation.

You can also access information on how to stop seeking validation here.

External validation meaning

External validation refers to the feedback we receive from others.

This can be on personal or professional matters.

It is when your self-worth is dependent on other people, either in real life or on social media.

I remember about 9 years ago trying to understand why I was constantly asking others for their opinion.

It was about everything.

My grades, looks, even something as simple as what I would order to eat!

Ugh!

That’s when it struck me.

I was always relying on others so that I could feel better about myself.

Not only that, but I literally based my decisions on the feedback I received.

Come to think of it, I had willingly given up my autonomy.

But I worked on it, and I can comfortably say that I am leading a better life.

This only happened because I learnt why I was feeling that way.

And then I worked on digging myself out of that hole.

Now, I understand the psychology behind approval-seeking behaviors.

This guide explains it so that you can understand the concept.

After this, you can learn how to stop seeking validation from others.

What is the psychology behind external validation?

Seeking approval from others is a natural thing for humans to do

This is because we love to feel seen and heard.

However, the excessive and constant seeking of external validation can come due to past experiences or the changing society.

For instance, if you were in a relationship where you felt unseen and unheard, then this might have caused the approval-seeking behaviors.

Additionally, if one was emotionally neglected or criticized as a child every time by their caregiver, they might lean more toward seeking approval.

This comes from the fear of being rejected or judged by others.

So, they develop a need to be accepted and approved.

In the age of social media, this has become worse.

You might find someone posting something not because they are genuinely living their life.

But because they want others to approve – through likes and comments.

Such tendencies can greatly impact your quality of life.

It is important to consciously recognize such patterns because that is the beginning of getting better.

When this happens, you are on your way to self-validation and stop seeking validation from others.

Why do people need external validation so much?

This might seem obvious, but since we are all diverse, everyone has their reason.

People need external validation to get encouraged in the things they are working on in life.

Also, getting feedback from others is a sure way to boost morale and improve.

For instance, in a professional setting, you might need external validation from your superior because it helps in professional development.

We all know that feedback is gold, especially when it is given in a way that does not put you down.

When I was in a corporate setting, especially when I started, I relied on my manager to provide useful feedback.

I did not have a lot of experience, and getting validated on my tasks gave me motivation.

This meant that I was going in the right direction.

But when I got the hang of it, I stopped relying too much on it.

And it was only given during performance reports.

This is because as I got more experience, I got more confident in my skills.

Therefore, in this context or similar situations, external validation makes sense.

But don’t let it be at the center of everything that you do.

I wouldn’t want to lie to you and cancel external validation by labeling it all bad.

No. That would be misleading.

With the right amount and in the appropriate settings, it is good, but only when applied moderately.

Why do people seek validation on social media?

Social media has become even bigger because new apps are rolling out almost every other day.

So, all these are new channels for someone who needs external validation to seek it.

People seek external validation on social media because it is in our DNA to seek affirmation from peers.

For instance, if someone buys a new car and posts it on social media, it gains traction.

Assuming they are seeking validation, they would feel the constant need for positive comments, likes, and shares.

For them, this would signal affirmation from others.

Honestly, it is a basic human desire to seek approval.

Also, others seek validation through social media to get rid of loneliness or exclusion.

Most cultures in society measure self-worth and success through titles and material things.

If someone is promoted, that’s a new title and an increase in their paycheck.

Society affirms that.

Social media and pressure

Social media is a place where we see others’ successes.

Therefore, it puts pressure on others to seek validation in the same way.

Another reason why people chase social media validation is that they have low self-esteem or are insecure about themselves.

They seek approval to get external attention that makes them feel better.

The most important thing to do if you are in such a situation is to work on being more confident and more secure in yourself.

This can eliminate the need for external validation because you will feel great about yourself.

The approval will just be a bonus, and you will not have gone out to seek it. Yay!

Find what makes you feel in your sweet spot.

It will help you exude more confidence and rid you of insecurities.

There is no greater feeling than enjoying every moment.

Not because you want others to see it but because you are doing it genuinely for yourself.

Realities of social media and validation

We see it all the time. Someone putting on a façade or getting in character to get views and likes.

Seeking validation on social media can be exhausting.

In the age of viral content, it would mean trying everything to go viral.

Imagine trying to catch up with every trend just to get external validation.

It takes away valuable time to work on things that truly matter to you.

For instance, you can create a beautiful community based on your interests. This would be more fulfilling because more people who have similar interests will flock to your page.

It is more rewarding and will most probably help you be more at ease than chasing fleeting trends.

What are the dangers of seeking external validation?

Constantly seeking external validation can make you lead a life that is not yours.

In the external validation meaning, we saw that it is when your self-worth is dependent on others.

With this in mind, external validation can divert you from the path you are meant to walk on.

Instead of following what truly makes you feel and be your best, you follow the version you want others to see.

You can never be your true self because you’ll always want to do as your audience approves.

If you seek validation from peers, they can easily influence you to do things that go against your moral compass.

On social media, for instance, if you choose a certain niche just because of external validation, you’ll be obliged to engage in that endless cycle.

But this can be solved.

It might not be easy because the neuro-pathways or seeking approval have already formed.

What you can focus on is denying them the food they need to thrive.

Your attention and focus!

Start focusing on building your self-esteem and confidence.

The approval-seeking behaviors will naturally fade away.

Get to know more about how you can stop seeking validation here.

Why shouldn’t you seek validation from others?

Everyone has a life of their own.

In as much as we are all socially connected, people pay more attention to themselves.

With this said, seeking validation from others will only get you ‘meh’ opinions of how you should live your life.

Well, unless it’s something constructive about how you can become a better person.

Remember, not all validation-seeking can be branded as bad.

So, pay attention to the context and situation.

You have your life to live and explore.

If you always depend on others to live it, then you’ll never truly discover the real you.

In my experience, when I sought validation from others, the opinions I got didn’t truly feel like they were in the sweet spot.

But I did it anyway because I thought that would make me feel acceptable.

Honestly, when I remember it, I wasn’t truly happy.

I got to know the value of self-validation, and brick by brick, I brought myself up.

Now, I am in a place in my life where I am very happy with the decisions I make.

Even though some of them turn out to be wrong, I still get the thrill of the lessons.

We are in this world to live fulfilling lives.

Too much validation-seeking behavior would only ruin this.

Conclusion

There you go.

You now know the reasons behind seeking validation.

I believe this is where one can start breaking these patterns.

You can never get rid of something or a behavior if you do not know about it.

Just like an opponent in a game, you would have to know about them so that you can beat them.

There is your armor. Now, go in the direction of your victory!